The UnShower

I don't know how many of you bathe on a regular basis, but I can tell you that that concept is one I fantasize about daily. Aside from a brief 4 year stint in college (you know what I'm talking about), I have been a regular bather. I have really thin, fine, dark hair and in order to avoid looking like a serious greaseball, I have to wash my hair daily. Even if I wash it at night, by the time 4 pm rolls around the next day, I look like I haven't seen the likes of a shampoo bottle in weeks. It's so annoying. Especially now that bathing anytime Liam has his eyes open has become nearly impossible. Liam has become quite adept at rolling and what I like to call "the army crawl." I used to be able to lie him on a blanket on the floor with a plethora of toys to keep him company. He would laugh and play and only really get grumpy if I was in there too long, which I have been known to do. The other day I arranged his play spot, laid him down, and left the bathroom door open while I brushed my teeth and prepared to hop in the old shower. (By the way, we have 2 bedrooms and one full bath. Both our room and Liam's room open to the bathroom. Just a visual to help make this antidote come alive. I know, it's so riveting...) I was brushing my teeth, minding my own business, when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. Liam had made his way into the bathroom and was proceeding to make out with/devour the base of the toilet. E. Coli here we come! I tried again and I looked down to find he had turned over the dogs' water bowl and was lapping the water up off the floor. Can humans get kennel cough? Anyway, one might suggest that I try the exersaucer, jump-a-roo, or other such exciting contraption to contain my son while I bathe. Unfortunately Liam's current opinion on these items is more along the lines of "torture chamber" than "fun playtime toy." That is, unless I am sitting right next to him playing with him. Then he's laughing it up!

So, in my dilemma I refer to my depth of problem solving skills (and my experience from the good ole days at MTSU). I have developed a system for quickly bathing/making myself look like I bathed even when bathing is not an option. I like to refer to the following process as "The UnShower":

Step 1: Teeth - Albeit a struggle, I must brush my teeth every day. I can't take a dirty mouth. And neither can anyone you
come in contact with. If steps 2-5 cannot be accomplished, please, for the love of everything that is sacred,
complete step 1. You can do it. I know you can.

Step 2: Face - I go to Liam's room, open up the wipes, and remove a couple sheets. I proceed to wash my face with wipes.
Those babies will even take off water proof mascara from under your eyes and you will end up smelling like
baby powder in the process! This can be done in front of a mirror or on the go. 100% portable and effective.

Step 3: Body - Take one of the wipes that you didn't use to wash your face and clean the important areas (like underarms for
instance.) If you're not going to use soap and water, you might as well give them a good wiping down.
Afterwards, apply deodorant and/or body spray.

Step 4: Hair - If you have oily hair like mine or if you are planning on going several days without showering, you may want to
invest in a bottle of hair powder. Bumble & Bumble makes an awesome line that comes in different colors to
match your hair. If you are budgeting like myself and cannot afford a tiny bottle of hair powder for $40, then go
for the baby powder that you got gobs of from old people because they don't know that doctors now scare the
pants off you by telling you if you use baby powder your kid is going to breathe it in and die of a variety of lung
infections and diseases. The baby powder, when used in excess, will turn your roots a little "ashy" if you have
dark hair. If you have lighter hair, you're good to go. Either way, it definitely soaks up the oil and leaves you
with that same pleasant "I just changed my baby's diaper" smell that you get with the wipes. If all else fails, grab
a hair tie and a few bobby pins. Lucky for us, the messy/I don't bathe/I just got out of bed look is in these days.

Step 5: Make-up (if you dare!) - All you need is tinted powder and mascara. I'm not going to lie, if I did full make up the day
before (and chances are I never washed my face) I will avoid removing my eye make up while
"wipe washing." I'll get the old face make-up off and make sure to clean up the old mascara
and eye liner from the under eye area. Then I will just reapply the powder and mascara. Half
the eyeshadow from yesterday is usually better than no shadow at all.

So, those are my tricks. I have made a pact with myself to at least shower every other day, even if it means that my son cries himself hoarse. I don't even think about shaving...are you kidding? When Jon's home, he can watch Liam while I shower so he doesn't have to sleep in the same bed with "the beast" as I like to call myself these days. But when it's just me and Liam, I don't care if it is summer in Tennessee, it's jeans and sleeves for me all the way baby. I'm literally saving up for Laser Hair Removal so that I never have to shave again. If you would like to donate to the cause, let me know.

So, if you see me in Target (where you are most likely to see me) and I am wearing jeans and sleeves and more eyeshadow on my left eye than my right, look like I might be going gray, and smell like a baby's bottom, then you can bet Jon is on the road and today was not shower day. If this is the case, give me a pat on the back and buy me a non-fat chai from Starbucks. Venti. Extra Hot. Believe me, I need it.