I have written this post a number of times and then scrapped it. It was either too long or too short or too pathetic or too vulnerable or too...you get the picture... So, here goes the version that I chose:
I have set a lot of personal goals this year. As I have said many times before, Liam has changed my life. He makes me want to be a better person. End of story. I think this season of life - motherhood, new found "adulthood", being out of the professional rate race, etc... - has mandated several changes as well. I have been craving and striving for simplicity, but I also have the type of personality that beckons me to make LONG lists, volunteer for everything and strive for unattainable standards. Herein lies the struggle that has marked a large portion of my life. For my teen and young adult years I joined every club, engaged in every hobby, had friends in every clique, took every class, and went on every trip. I kept my phyisical life (clothes, hair, makeup, etc...) simple so that I could shoot for the moon everywhere else. What I didn't realize is that I was also keeping my relationships and commitments simple....a little too simple....like "do you have any real friends or just a lot of surface friends?" kind of simple. Like "are you really a Young Life leader or do you just show up for Club and Campaigners twice a week?" kind of simple. This just left me lonely and empty. So much going on with nothing REALLY going on. In response (or rebellion...I haven't firmly decided), I tried the "do nothing" theory for the next few years. I just did the basics, work/school, clean, cook, errands, blah... I had one friend: Jon. I mean, I had "friends," but I really only had ONE friend, capiche? I didn't commit myself to any hobbies or any groups or any studies. Nothing. Boring. Lonely. Empty. Same boat. So, what did I learn? Nothing. So, what did I do? Started over. Slowly I added things...Bible studies, leadership roles, friendships, a baby, hobbies, jobs.... Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! And so the cycle continues.
These first several month of 2009 the Lord has slowly been revealing to me His Spirit, His purpose, His desire for the way I will live my life. It has everything to do with Him and not so much to do with me. I guess that's what has been wrong all this time (uh...hello...). God does not have a spirit of chaos. He does not have a spirit of calamity. He has one of peace. Peace does not mean boredom or apathy or laziness. This peace actually leads to fulfillment.
This week I feel I have finally found a way to verbalized what He has been trying to teach me. I cry MARANATHA! May the Lord cometh! May he come and save me. May HE come and save me from MYSELF! I don't need to put so much effort into it that it is ME who is doing everything, leaving little to no room for HIM!
Lord, wage war on our pride and need for control. Humble us so that you can do your mighty work in us and through us!
In the words of the Shaker Elder Joseph Brakcett:
'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,
'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.
I am becoming Amish....
Just kidding :)
Quaker.
No really....Menanite....
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